The light in my heart that was you

 In 2019, I lost one of my best friends in the Christchurch mosque shooting. This is what the world is like now without her.  RIP Pikelet 💚💔

The light in my heart that was you

There is a light in my heart,

that searches for you,

in a dark place of loss

where the earth no longer holds colour,

only shadows of a thousand yesterdays

while faint laughter carries across eternity

teasing my  memories.

 

The light in my heart listens,

for that song rolling out on the radio,

notes and lyrics pulling me back to those days of

dancing, leaping, shouting,

our spontaneity making the kitchen a dance floor of

sweat, laughter, alcohol, heartbeats, more.

 

The light in my heart holds,

my last email to you,

the final poem I wrote,

a shirt that you made for me,

black and gold, too small now,

and a handful of photos of you, always smiling,

always dressed up, colourful and gay,

happy beside me.

 

The light in my heart remembers,

all the times you stayed with me,

the houses that we lived in,

parties, dinners, all night raves and movies,

every single place we ever went,

the footpaths where we ambled arm in arm,

children running ahead,

a cat, a dog,

added company for our lives.

 

 

That light in my heart now cries,

for all the days we shared,

the nights we would hang out together.

I can still feel the tendrils of longing

for the months we spent apart,

shivering despair, for the years where I lost you.

and the wonder of finding you,

all over again,

after so many, many years.

 

Then one ordinary Friday morning in autumn

across 19 minutes

the news tore my soul

as I teetered on a furious knife edge of disbelief,

My tears raining like bullets,

 your flame was extinguished,

my joy indefinitely muted and quashed.

 

Five years later,

it’s once again another ordinary Friday morning in autumn.

But I hold my breathe and cry for those 19 minutes

that destroyed the love,

and took away,

the light in my heart that was you.

RIP Pretty Pikelet 🍩😢🧡💚